Thursday, 4 July 2013

Raw recap - 07/01/2013

Sorry for the delay this week guys, but I'm in Australia and time zones are annoying. Also my download was really slow. Anyways let's get straight into it!

First shot of the night is Vickie Guerrero backstage, which usually means she must have something important to say. Vickie personally thanks the McMahons (aka sucking up their butts) for allowing her to make for tonight WHC Alberto Del Rio vs WWE Champ John Cena. Yay?

Now to the arena, and Daniel Bryan is making his way to the ring. Okay I love Deebz but for real is this how we're starting every show now? He has a new t-shirt though, and it is awesome.
There's a ladder in the ring, and hanging above it is the red Money in the Bank briefcase. Unfortunately for us, King is still employed and on commentary. Bryan talks about how he proved he isn't the weak link by beating Randy Orton - sorry, making Orton tap out. Poor Randal is never going to live that one down. He says that poses a different question of whether he can ride this momentum and win the MITB Allstar match. The crowd seems unsure, but DB is not - YES! He can! He talks about how he wants to follow in the steps of the greats. As he's saying he will be WWE Champ, it's only a matter of time before one of the other MITB Allstars interrupts him. And as I typed that, here comes Sheamus. Sheamus tries to tell Bryan that he is the one who beat DBryan for the WHC last time, but Bryan shortly says "nobody cares". He asks if he calls 1800-FELLA will Sheamus come and Brogue Kick himself in the face. Now that would be a sight! Sheamus says he thought trolls were supposed to be grumpy. They are now interrupted by an incredibly deep voice, which can be none other than Randy Orton. He says they can argue how long it's been since they've been champion but Orton wins most butthurt because for him it's been two years. He's not hungry, he's starving. DB rubs it in his face again that he tapped out. Randy threatens to drop DB where he stands if he disrespects him again. Next is Kane, who doesn't interrupt them with his voice or his entrance music, but rather with flames bursting out all over the place. Dramatic. He says no one is safe, and he will commit unspeakable acts, even against his so called friends. DBryan seems very offended by this. But apparently it's not Daniel's fault that unlike him Kane couldn't beat Randy Orton. Ooh, touchy subject. The crowd begins to chant CM Punk as Kane starts bickering with Daniel Bryan ("no I'm gonna be WWE Champion!" "No, I am!"). Christian's out next, pointing out that he's had more success and experience in ladder matches than anyone else in the WWE. He says he might not be the biggest guy in the match (looking at Randal, but I'm pretty sure Kane's bigger buddy), or the strongest (Sheamus... eh you may be right there), or the scariest (Kane, okay true) or the hairiest (Daniel Bryan, definitely true), but he's the... I'm sorry, what was that? Best? *cue buzzers and whistles backstage*. Sure enough, here comes CM Punk. He says he wasn't going to be predictable and come out here like everyone else but Christian said 'best'. Punk's the best at MITB because he's won it twice. He then says "we're all a bunch of jerks here", and nobody can touch him in this ring. Punkers brings up RVD (the first time he's been mentioned in this whole discussion) and starts to go through each of them individually, but as he gets to Randy, Bryan interrupts, threatening to make Punk tap out faster than Orton did last week (which wasn't very fast). Punk is amused by this. Orton is not, and makes a move for Bryan. Kane steps in the way, protecting his friend (awwww), which of course DBryan is outraged by because he's not weak. Orton doesn't have time for this shit, and RKOs Kane, causing the others to resume their fighting positions (Punk's involves holding his microphone like a dagger) before slowly retreating - except Bryan, who stays behind to check on Kane.

Sierra! Hotel! India! Echo! Lima! Delta! THE SHIELD, who will tonight be in six-man tag action, against Christian and The Usos... Hang on... Haven't we already seen this? Either way, we're gonna see it again. Seth Rollins starts out against Uso 1, who is quick to tag in Uso 2. Rollins tags in Ambrose soon after, and the momentum shifts back to Team Uso, who tag in Christian. I'm not ignoring the action and only calling the tags I promise, they really are just tagging each other in with like one move in between. Ambrose escapes the ring and takes a moment to regroup with Rollins and Reigns, leading to the Usos soon followed by Christian launching themselves at The Shield. Back from ad break and Uso 2 is now the legal man, and Ambrose has just tagged in Rollins. The Shield are back in control after a big boot from Reigns to Uso 2 during the break. Another quick tag to Ambrose, who works Uso 2 down for a while before tagging in Reigns, who does the same before tagging in Ambrose. Ambrose gets caught with a kick, so he tags in Rollins. Uso 2 tags in Christian, who's all fired up until a kick to the head from Rollins. Rollins tags in Ambrose, Reigns breaks up a near fall, and again we've reached the inevitable point in a 6-man tag match of people coming and going from all angles. Reigns knocks one of the Usos to the outside, then suplexes the other one over the other side of the ring, taking himself out too, leaving only Christian and Ambrose - again. There's a classic cartoon Scooby Doo-esque moment where the back into each other and realize oh it's you! After an assist from Rollins, Ambrose gets the pinfall victory over Christian.

Backstage with Kane, who looks piiiiiiissed. It doesn't seem to help when Bryan appears, apologizing for Kane getting RKO'd, saying he talked to Vickie for Kane. Kane says he thinks Deebz has done enough. Ooooh, snap! A proud Bryan tells Kane that he got his buddy a rematch against Orton tonight. Kane is relatively pleased by this, but, oh, wait... Bryan is the special guest referee. He wisely leaves Kane to himself after adding this detail.

Now it's time for DOLPH ZIGGLER IN A MATCH! Woooo! I should add though, AJ and Big E are nowhere to be seen. Dolph's opponent for this evening is Jinder Mahal (jobber's entrance). The next 2-3 minutes are Dolph Ziggler showing off interspersed with a some offense by Mahal, ending with a Zig Zag. 3MB may not be good musicians or good at wrestling but hey, they are great at jobbing.  Slater and McIntyre attack Ziggler after the match, but he dodges all attacks and takes them out, celebrating in appropriate fashion.

Ladies and gentlemen it's time for Backstage With Brickie! Brad tells Vickie not to stress because "nothing has gone wrong, yet". Vickie starts to complain about how the McMahons are always hovering around telling her what to do, and, almost like it was planned that way, Triple H appears, apologizing for interrupting and asking Vickie to continue making disparaging comments about his family. Oopsie. Trips advises Vickie to let the McMahons say what they want, and then don't listen to any of it, and do what he says. Seems legit. Vickie looks like she just wants to lie down for a while.

Randy Orton time! Accent color tonight is purple. After the break, Daniel Bryan is already in the ring, testing Orton's patience by reciting the match rules to him or something. Daniel Bryan sure does look weird in pants! He's about the size of a referee though so at least there's that. If you think Daniel Bryan is going to be a completely fair referee and isn't going to piss either Orton or Kane off in this match, you are wrong. To his credit, Deebz does stay impartial and invisible like a referee should for the most part - until Orton won't relent on Kane in the corner, causing DB to physically drag him off. Orton shoves Bryan away and begins yelling at him, leading to DB to do what a real referee would do and call for DQ. Orton is furious, as is Kane. They both yell to restart the match, which Bryan does. Kane gets knocked out of the ring, and Bryan physically inserts himself again, refusing to let Orton follow him out of the ring. Orton calms himself, and after the break we're back in the ring. Kane goes for the Chokeslam, but Orton fights out and hits the inverted headlock backbreaker. King and JBL are thoroughly confused by Cole use of the phrase "Classic Orton". Randy looks to go for the RKO, but a concerned Bryan stops him. He gets shoved out of the way, but Kane hits Orton with a boot to the face, and Bryan fast counts to give Kane the victory. Kane is pissed, again. He sets up to chokeslam Bryan, but decides against it. Guess who's still in the ring, however, and who won't be as level headed? Orton hits the RKO on Bryan and screams in his face. Boo ya! Also JBL calls Bryan "Rasputin". It really is uncanny.

YAY PUNKERS TIME. Backstage with Curtis Axel, Paul Heyman standing between them is CM Punk, who says he will beat up and pin PTP by himself. Heyman is confused by Punk's hostility (hint: it's because he knows you're lying about the Lesnar thing). Punk says while he trusts Heyman, which makes Heyman smile like a six year old, he doesn't trust Axel. Heyman brings up the 2005 thing again, for the seventy millionth time, but Punk isn't convinced.

Faaaaaandaaaaangooooooo is back!! Looking fabulous as ever in a new orangey-brown ensemble with black tassels down the side. Fandy is to be taking on Sheamus tonight, but before the wrestling can begin he takes a second to break in his new attire by dancing. Sheamus responds by doing the same.
Fandango is quick to the start the match after that, and the action soon makes it's way to the outside. Fandy gets beaten up against the guard rail, but lands a kick to the head of Sheamus as they return to the ring. After getting beaten up for a while, Fandy goes to the outside and seems to have no intention of returning, leading Sheamus to win by count-out. Sheamus, unlike Orton and Kane, seems to agree that a win is a win is a win, and doesn't refute this decision or chase down Fandango.

After the break, Chris Jericho is on commentary (!!!!!) for Ryback vs The Miz. Ryback pretty much toys with The Miz for the most part, however more interestingly Jericho calls Michael Cole "Mitchell Cole". I'm barely even watching the match to be honest, because Jericho is coming up with some gems on commentary. He refers to the size of King's head, Ryback's "mental mind", and the "fancy piece of cloth around his shoulder". The Miz starts to come back, finally, and Jericho is doing a better job of play-by-play commentating than Michael Cole ("no one was saying anything" he justifies when questioned by the others). Ryback demands that the referee stops the match, because his knee hurts. Call the wambulance, we have ourselves a pussy! Jericho, confused by how the hell someone could wave off their own match, decides to hit Cryback with a Codebreaker.

After the break, Mark Henry is standing on the entrance stage, and as he talks this crowd is being annoying af by saying "What?" every two seconds. Just stop. Henry reflects on his career, saying being nice got him nowhere, and that with all the years he's given to this company, he deserves to be WWE Champion (the man has a point). He drops the classic "y'all are just a bunch of puppets", five stars for you Mark Henry. He gets the camera man right in his face, which is very frightening I might add, and says he's going to beat John Cena's ass.

 Backstage With Brickie, and Vince McMahon comes strutting in. Pink shirt/Pink, purple and yellow striped tie/lavender-ish colored blazer. He puts his arm around Vickie's shoulders, which at first seems friendly and lovely, until he threateningly reminds Vickie that last week he said doesn't like Daniel Bryan so by Daniel Bryan being out in the ring, Brickie aren't listening to him. Vince complains-slash-yells that while the Champion vs Champion match is great, they're throwing money away because they're giving it away for free instead of on PPV. He pretty much threatens to throw Brickie out of the building if they don't listen to Vince. Oh how I've missed heel Vinnie. Meanwhile Vickie looks like she just wants to go home.

It's clobberin' tiiiiiiime!!
Sigh :) Punk and Axel dispute who will start the match, which naturally, Punker wins. However, Axel tags himself in before Punk even does anything. Rude. Darren Young starts it off for PTP, while Punk demands that Axel tag him. He doesn't. Darren Young tags in Titus O'Neil, and Axel refuses again to tag Punk. Punk tells Heyman to tell Axel to tag him in (daddyyyyy, Curtis isn't letting me playyyyyyy). The crowd chants "we want Punk" and Punk screams "listen to them, tag me!". He doesn't. "I'll tag you right in your face" Punk mutters on the apron. Hehe. O'Neil tags in Young, and PTP hit a double team on Axel. Young gets tagged back in, followed by another quick tag to O'Neil. Axel's getting beaten up like nobody's business, so he has no choice but to tag Punk, who is like a house on fire, knees and kicks flying about all over the place. By the way, Darren Young is now the legal man. "Best in the world", Punk screams at Axel as he goes up top, hitting the elbow drop. Nighty night for Darren Young, as Punk hits the GTS. Before he can get the pin, O'Neil is in the ring. Punk throws him out of the ring, but Axel tags himself in. Boo hiss. Punk stands by seething as Axel pins Darren Young. Heyman tries to get Punk to celebrate with him and Axel, but Punk wants none of it. "What did I say, I will do it BY MYSELF" Punk screams at Heyman as he exits the ring.

Diva time. Alicia Fox (jobber's entrance) is to go one on one with Kaitlyn, who is being accompanied by Layla, which is nice... I think. For some reason the commentators start talking about Wimbledon. They pretty much don't talk about the match at all, and Kaitlyn hits the spear for the pinfall victory. However, instead of playing her music, AJ's plays instead, because AJ has something to say to Kaitlyn. AJ mentions some unsavory modelling pictures Kaitlyn took before coming to WWE (uh oh) and lucky (?) for us AJ brought one to share.
Phew! I thought things were about to get real awkward. AJ says she wanted to remind Kaitlyn of where she came from, because that's where she'll end up again after losing at MITB.

 Returning now to BWB, and of course we've already seen Triple H and Vince tonight, so now it's time for Stephanie! Steph isn't happy that Vickie hasn't taken care of the AJ situation. Vickie starts to break down, saying she's doing everything she can to listen to everyone and her head is about to explode. Stephanie says she understands. Vickie tries the whole women bond thing, talking about how Trips and Vince are insane, which Stephanie doesn't appreciate. "When did we become girlfriends, Vickie?". Steph says next week on Raw, Vickie will have a job evaluation in the ring next week. Uh oh!

Out next is Cody Rhodes, followed by Damien Sandow, microphone in hand. He reassures that being in the MITB match together won't affect their friendship. Cody agrees, because they'd be lowering themselves if they let it get in the way of their relationship. Cody's opponent for tonight is Antonio Cesaro, who is now being announced as "formerly from Lucerne, Switzerland, now residing in the United States". Zeb has a mic, and begins talking about the institution of marriage, privacy and other stuff. The point of his speech basically is Jack Swagger is back. Woo. Rhodes is dominated for the most part, and is pinned in no time after a Neutralizer. Sandow is not impressed.

Oh look, The Bella Twins. They are approached backstage by Eva Marie and Jojo (don't look at me, I have no idea). They say something about Total Divas, which I'm now pretty sure Eva and Jojo are a part of. The Bella Twins are bitchy like always, it's uneventful, until Naomi, Cameron and Mrs Tyson Kidd interrupt. They all argue about Total Divas for a bit, and the Bella Twins make a fat joke about Natalya. Oh no they di'nt! Natalya makes a comment about The Bella Twins just trying to shamelessly promote themselves more (yep), but TBT say they are in charge of the Divas division. Well, no. You're not.

Alberto Dorito is making his way to the ring now for main event time. Not with Del Rio is Ricardo Rodriguez, who as you probably have heard has been suspended for violation of the wellness policy. Excuse me for not being as excited for the Champion vs Champion match as I probably should be. The match starts slow, with any potential momentum being stopped by submission holds or ADR leaving the ring. It's just a really... really... slow match. Cena is dominated for the most part, but gets some momentum and goes for the AA, which is reversed into a German suplex. The commentators start talking about ADR and Cena being the best in the world, and to be honest I'm expecting CM Punk to come out and kick them all in the head. The match starts to pick up a bit more with a lot of near falls, and Cena's attempt at the AA is reversed into the Cross Armbreaker. Cena rolls through and looks for the STF, locking it in. People in the crowd start pointing to the entrance way (of course they weren't going to let us see this match end fairly guys), and sure enough Mark Henry is making his way to the ring. ADR tries to capitalise off the distraction but fails, and out of nowhere comes Ziggy! Ziggler sits on the top rope, providing enough of a distraction to allow Cena to hit the AA. and Cena wins by pinfall. Henry grabs the WWE title, and scares Cena for a bit (no really, Cena flinched more than once) before throwing it at him and leaving the ring.

Before we go off the air, the commentators announce that next week the Wyatt Family are coming, and we're left with another eerie promo.

Quote of the night, a special Canada Day edition;
[1/2] JBL: Christian's very excited, it's Canada Day today. I saw him in the back curling. Yeah he was listening to Justin Bieber I think.
[2/2] Chris Jericho: I speak American and Canadian.

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