Saturday 29 June 2013

Smackdown recap - 06/28/2013

So the MITB competitors are being announced, Dolph Ziggler has a concussion but keeps attacked Alberto Del Rio anyway, Daniel Bryan finally (FINALLY) beat Randy Orton, AJ Lee is continuing her torture of Kaitlyn, Paul Heyman's being shifty as fuck, Ryback has issues with Chris Jericho and Mark Henry is still laughing about his fake retirement speech. Smackdown, don't let us down!

After the opening fireworks, we get this shot.
Yep. That's Dolph Ziggler's face on a pinata. Cole reminds us that Alberto Del Rio is having a fiesta tonight (because Mexicans never just have celebrations). Not sure if Alberto remembers how crappy his last championship fiesta went, but I'll be happy if this one ends the same way. Ole!

Straight into the action tonight in the best way, it's time for a Dublin Street Fight! Tonight will be a very multicultural episode of Smackdown. It's worth noting there is some Irish themed bar taps at ringside (because otherwise this is just a fancy no DQ match). Sheamus seems pleased by this. Here comes Damien Sandow, microphone in hand. Fancy motherfucker. He gives us some history about South Carolina (our hosts for this evening), and suggests very politely that they secede from the union, because they're like "a third world country". It is pronounced "you all", he reminds us. The match is underway, and Sandow is very quick to pick up the Irish kendo stick and use it on Sheamus. Doesn't seem to effect Sheamus too much, because within 30 seconds Damien Sandow is sent flying into the outside barricade. Sandow regains control for a while, until Sheamus pulls a keg from inside one of the minibars and throws it at Sandow, taking him clean out. Well, that escalated quickly. Sheamus' next weapon of choice is a sack of potatoes. No, I'm not kidding. It's kind of amazing. After the commercial, we're back in the ring, but it's not long before Sandow retrieves some steel chairs and a broom from under the ring. Hey, Ireland have regular chairs too. It's not all potatoes and beer. Sandow shows a pretty aggressive streak, which pisses Sheamus off to the point that he beats the crap out of Sandow with the kendo stick. After a few nifty reversals, Sheamus delivers a Brogue Kick to a seated Sandow and gets the victory.

Backstage now, and Kane is readying himself for his match when a very chipper Daniel Bryan approaches him, whistling. Kane's not impressed. Deebz is suddenly a lot less chipper when Kane congratulates him on his "upset" victory. Kane yells at Bryan to leave, but Bryan forgives him, because he's his friend. And just in case Kane needs his help tonight, Bryan will be on commentary. It's all so patronizing, I love it. Then this happens.

Time for Miz TV, with tonight's guest being Paul Heyman. Heyman is very quick to shut Miz down and say he doesn't want to talk about his personal life. Miz asks Heyman if he thinks my dorky angel Renee Young wanted to talk about her personal life last week when Heyman bullied her. Zing, the man has a point. Heyman stutters about not being able to bully The Miz because he has respect for The Miz. He then brings out Curtis Axel for some reason. It takes me a second to remember that The Miz has been sort of feuding with Axel over the IC title. The Miz angrily tells Heyman he thinks he's lying about not having a part in Lesnar's attack on CM Punk. Heyman implies that Axel is intimidating The Miz, but to be honest The Miz seems completely unfazed. Miz makes a Star Wars reference (because Heyman looks like Jabba The Hut because he's fat), then says to Axel, "Luke, Luke... You are not your father". Ohhhh I think someone's gonna need some ice for that burn! The conversation quickly turns to the Intercontinental Championship, and The Miz challenges Axel to defend the title right now. Of course, Heyman has a problem with this, and Axel does his weird finisher to The Miz before he and Heyman leave.

Diva time. AJ Lee will be taking on Natalya (Mrs Tyson Kidd). AJ is talking to her championship. Before the match can even start, AJ's music hits again (oh yes, it's happening), and here comes... AJ?
I'm having Mickie James/Trish Stratus flashbacks. Kaitlyn talks about how slutty AJ has been, even saying that she dated time keeper Mark Yeaton (wooo finally some screen time! Go Mark!). He just shakes his head a lot. Also named and shamed is Doc Samson and Lilian Garcia. Now the match is underway, but Kaitlyn is staying to watch. She skips down to ringside, and AJ screams "it's not funny Kaitlyn!" at her as she does. Big E doesn't seem to care. Capitalizing on the distraction, Natalya pins AJ with a roll up. AJ screams at the poor referee after realizing she's lost, which earns her a spear from Kaitlyn. It's nice to see that Kaitlyn hasn't totally lost it.

We're backstage with Teddy Long now, who is interrupted on a phone call by Vincent Kennedy McMahon, who is wearing a fantastic suit featuring a light mustard colored blazer, and a grey and white checkered tie with a brown knot. He looks like the mascot of a fast food franchise or something. Teddy tells Vince that rather than place all the top Superstars in the Smackdown MITB match like Raw did, he wants to focus on the future. His selections are Wade Barrett, Jack Swagger, Antonio Cesaro, Fandango, Dean Ambrose, Cody Rhodes (yes please) and Damien Sandow. Vince corrects Teddy's pronunciation of Fandango.

Daniel Bryan comes out next, meaning it's time for Kane vs Orton. Turns out D.Bryan is a little upset that Kane didn't text him, call him, email him or send him a cake after Bryan beat Orton on Raw this week. To this, JBL poses a good question; does Kane text? DB says he does. For anyone keeping track, Randy Orton's accent color tonight is blue. The match is very brash as you would expect, with just the right amount of athleticism and agility to keep it exciting. Daniel Bryan, filled with confidence after beating Orton, decides Kane needs support in the form of DB standing on the announce table shouting "Yes! Yes! Yes!". It doesn't work. Orton hits a backbreaker and DB angrily responds with "No! No! No!" before sitting down again. While the match continues, mostly back and forward, Daniel Bryan reiterates at every chance he gets that he made Randy Orton tap out. Kane warms up for the Chokeslam, but Orton reverses and hits the scoop slam (yay). Kane goes for the Chokeslam again, Orton fights out and tries unsuccessfully for the RKO. Orton gives Kane a hanging DDT, and Kane rolls out of the ring - right in front of Daniel Bryan. DBry insists that Kane needs his help, and rolls Kane back into the ring (mind you the count is at about 4). This leads to Kane getting an RKO and Orton picking up the pinfall victory. The look on Bryan's face does not say "oops", it says "hehehehehe". I think all that matters to Deebz at this point is that he beat Randy Orton and Kane didn't. 

The next contest will be between Justin Gabriel (jobbers entrance) and Ryback. Oh, poor Justin. Ryback wins with Shellshocked, but to liven up this intermission, here comes Y2J! Microphone in hand, Jericho is all fake crying and feigning being concerned for Ryback, asking him if he hurt his knee. It's very amusing. He calls Ryback a "butcher, a baker, a giant excuse maker". He suggests a name change to Cryback, and starts a chant. Jericho threatens to give him something to Cryback about, but Ryback rolls away holding his knee after a brief scuffle.

After the break, here comes The Shield, ready to face Christian and The Usos in six man tag action.  I'm really enjoying seeing the Tag Titles being contested between two actual tag teams, not just a thrown together team. Also The Usos are awesome. However as much as I love them I am unable to tell them apart, so they will be known as Uso 1 and Uso 2. Uso 1 starts things off with Ambrose. Ambrose tags in Roman Reigns, aka Uso cousin 325. Reigns takes a cheap shot at Uso 2, allowing Uso 1 to capitalize. Uso 1 tags in Christian at the same time that Reigns tags in Ambrose. Rollins takes a back body drop on the outside floor for trying to get involved. The ring aprons are clear as Christian goes up top, landing a cross body. Ambrose rolls through however, and follows up by screaming absolute gibberish at Christian. Reigns breaks up a near fall and tosses Christian out of the ring. It seems we've reached that inevitable point in all six man tag matches where shit breaks down and people come and go from all angles. Uso 1/2/I'm not sure takes out Reigns, and whichever one that wasn't helps once they're on the outside floor. Rollins then launches himself at both Usos in very athletic fashion, leaving only Ambrose standing. Ambrose looks to do the same as Rollins (since it looked so cool), but Christian catches him with an Edge-esque spear while climbing back in the ring for the win. I am feeling very nostalgic all of a sudden. This win means big things for The Usos, who are all smiles and "woooo"s on the entrance ramp while in the ring Seth Rollins has a tantrum and Dean Ambrose just stares Christian down.

When we return, Mexico has thrown up all over the ring. There's red carpet, white, green and red balloons, people wearing Mexican clothes playing Mexican music (sadly CM Punk is not one of them), and a table with a Mexican table cloth, sombreros and chips and salsa. Ricardo Rodriguez is an asshole for a bit, then out comes Alberto Del Please Someone Kick Him In The Head. I call 3 and a half minutes before Dolph Ziggler interrupts them. Timer starts... Now. Alberto says we are celebrating him regaining his championship, making him "quattro time" world champion. I just threw up in my mouth. Apparently, tonight, ADR is only going to speak Spanish. South Carolina begins to chant USA. Due to my limited Spanish, the only thing I pick up from his little speech is "Del Rio", "Dolph Ziggler", "Money in the Bank" and "Payback". 3 seconds before my Approximated Ziggler Arrival Time, ADR decides it's time to hit the pinata. A minute and a half after AZAR, Del Rio begins questioning where Ziggler is, and here he comes. Close enough. Ziggler very slowly and angrily approaches the ring, but once he gets there he beats the crap out of a very sweaty ADR and tosses Ricardo out of the ring, then through the Mexican table. ADR gets a Zig Zag, boo yeah! Ziggler now sets his eyes on a guitar that had been left in the ring. Alberto escapes the ring before Ziggy can use the guitar exactly as it should be used, however, leaving his little Mexican friend Ricardo behind. Ricardo gets absolutely blasted with the guitar, and Dolph stands on the top rope brandishing the abandoned WHC.
Taking with him a sombrero and the guitar, Ziggler approaches the Mexican musicians, who are now on the entrance ramp, and begins to play with them as balloons rain from the ceiling. Oh, happy days.

No quote of the night, because CM Punk is a Raw guy and JBL was disappointing.
Something to ponder: Whether Daniel Bryan is a heel or a face. Because I'm seriously confused.

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