Much like the last Smackdown, Raw this week starts off with Goatface DB himself (I'm really starting to forget what he looked like clean-shaven). And according to Justin Roberts, we're gonna have a match. But before anything can happen, Bryan would just like to say that he doesn't have a complex, and does not have "little man syndrome". He sets the record straight that he was not an extra in The Hobbit, hehe. He goes on to say he won't be satisfied until he gets a proper victory over Orton. His "Yes! Yes!" celebration is interrupted by Orton, who smacks the microphone from DB's hand. It's totally awesome. I love bad guy Randy. He looks like a heel tonight and I'm getting hearts in my eyes because of it.
He tells DB to shut up and fight, which he does. I find it worth noting that as DB throws punches, Charles Robinson is shouting "No! No! No!". The match starts off with just a series of strikes and a lot of anger. Orton clotheslines DB on the outside and throws him over the announce table. It's not even a wrestling match, it's just two guys trying to beat each other up. Poor C.Rob gets knocked down, and he rings the bell while DB ignores him and keeps ramming Orton's head into the announce desk. More referees come to help break it up, and eventually they do.
Cut to backstage, and Brickie time! They're excited about how good this show is going to be, but are soon interrupted by DB who is yelling about a double disqualification. "This ends tonight", he says a few times, but Brad disagrees, saying they already have a full show. DB reasons that he either gets his match against Orton who he wants a match with Brad Maddox. Vickie, amused, allows him to have another match against Orton later. Then appears Vince, talking about Bryan's "diminutive size and psychological complexities" before mysteriously walking away.
Back at ringside, Team Rhodes Scholars are in the ring, to be facing Sheamus and Christian. King comments that Sheamus and Christian could become one of the most popular tag teams ever in the WWE. As usual, King is wrong, so I digress. Christian's starting it off against Cody, which makes for a very fast paced start until Christian gets thrown shoulder first into the steel steps. Cody tags in Sandow, who focuses on the shoulder. Cody gets back in, who yells at Christian "Where you been? Shouldn't have come back, huh! Where you been?" and it's a little weird. It allows Christian to sort of get back in it, and both Cody and Christian tag in their respective partners. As you can imagine, Sheamus cleans up, Cody tags himself back in, gets smacked with a Brogue Kick straight away, and that's all folks!
A big smile appears on my face as we go backstage to see CM Punk either texting or playing a game on his phone, until he is approached by Vickie. He asks if Paul Heyman is here yet. Vickie says she hasn't seen him, so Punk asks if she's seen Brock Lesnar. Vickie says no, and Punk, now bored of the conversation, returns to his phone. Vickie tells him he has a match tonight, but he ignores her. She gets annoyed and says "Excuse me!", so Punker puts down his phone, stands up and screams "Excuse me!" in her face. He tells her to let him know if Paul Heyman and/or Brock Lesnar show up. Then he walks off. Awesome.
Kaitlyn's in the ring now (jobber's entrance, Layla at ringside) to be facing Aksana (also gets a jobber's entrance). The match is only about a minute in when Kaitlyn's entrance music starts playing. Kaitlyn, confused, keeps throwing around Aksana. But then out comes AJ Lee, dressed as Kaitlyn, complete with two-toned hair and fake muscle arms. They look ridiculous in comparison to how tiny the rest of her body is.
Out next is Y2J, who tonight is to face Alberto Del Douchebag (I know, I'm so creative). Cole refers to Chris Jericho as "Chris Jerioh-oh". We get word that Ziggler has been cleared to compete at Money in the Bank, yay! Jericho maintains control early on, until ADR gets knocked to the outside and ends up throwing Y2J into the retaining wall. Back in the ring, Jericho regains momentum. It doesn't last long, with ADR kicking Jericho in the side of the head, knocking him to the outside from the top rope. The referee counts to 8 before Jericho makes it back in the ring. Any attempt Jericho makes to fight back is squashed, until a reversal and a cross body get Jericho a near fall. Another reversal gives Jericho the opportunity to go for the Codebreaker, but ADR catches him, so Jericho rolls through to go for the Walls, but it's reversed. Jericho lands a bulldog, but ADR counters the Lionsault. ADR locks in the Cross Armbreaker, and Jericho uses the ropes to get out and lock in the Walls. Ricardo Rodriguez hits Jericho with the weird bucket thing he carries around, causing the match to end in a disqualification. Out of nowhere in a bright pink tank top comes Ziggler, who hits the Zig Zag on ADR while Ricardo gets a Codebreaker. With just Jericho and Ziggler left in the ring, they stare at each other for a long time, but Jericho gets a Zig Zag. Pay back for Smackdown.
Brad and Vickie are talking in their office until Triple H interrupts them, probably to advise them against everything Vince wants. Not like Vince matters, he doesn't own the company or anything... Vickie confirms that she believes cancelling DB vs Orton is the right decision after what Vince said,
and of course Triple H disagrees, and he says the WWE Universe wants to see this match, and bullies Vickie into not only keeping the match but adding a stipulation, which the WWE Universe will decide. He then tells Brad his (magenta) shirt is spectacular, and asks if they make it in mens sizes before leaving.
King is in the ring now with Vickie and Brad, to unveil the cover of WWE 2K14. I know what's coming. And I'm going to try and hold in my rage until the time is appropriate. King announces that the Universe can design and create an alternate cover for the game (which I cannot do because I don't live in the US). Vickie announces the three stipulations for the Orton vs Daniel Bryan match later - street fight, falls count anywhere or lumberjack match. Personally I think it's time for a falls count anywhere match, it's been a while. Vickie reveals her designed cover for WWE 2K14, which is pretty much kiss ass personified.
Out comes Ryback (oh good, I'm so glad he's back...) for a match, apparently. My bet is on his opponent to be a mid carder who will get absolutely flattened. Despite his opponent being The Great Khali, my prediction stands true, and Ryback wins with the Shellshock.
Onto John Cena next, who yells out "I'm a human onion. Just another layer. Let it rain down!" Oh, John. Then he gestures to his shirt and says "Hey, I got this at Shop! It's nice! The web guys wanted me to do that for you." How can you hate this man, seriously. He talks about the WWE Championship, and how of all the thousands that have chased it, only 43 have held it. As Cena continues, I think I hear a "CM Punk" chant breaking out. Cena then says that Mark Henry last week was a disgrace to all those who have had to stand in the ring and tell the Universe that they can never do this again (he names Edge, HBK, and Ric Flair). PS Cena looks very orange this week. And someone has a sign that says "Cena has clap". The rest of the speech is uneventful, and ends with The Champ is here.
Justin Roberts announces that the next match will be a triple threat tag team match to determine the #1 contenders for Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns' WWE Tag Team titles. Out first is Tons of Funk w. The Funkadactyls and Scotty Campbell, who won this opportunity with the whole Superstars for Sandy thing. Next is 3MB (jobber's entrance), and god help me if they win. Last is The Usos. They get a full entrance, complete with facepaint, a dance and fireworks. So, considering 3MB didn't get an entrance, I think it's quite obvious who this match is really between. Heath Slater will be sitting this one out for his team. In typical triple threat tag team rules, only two people are in the ring at a time, and they can tag either their partner or someone from the team that is not in the match. We start with Jinder Mahal and one of the Usos, until Sweet T tags himself in for Jinder. Sweet T looks to get the pin but the other Uso breaks it up. Brodus Clay takes out 3MB all by himself, and while active Uso gets flattened, the Uso on the apron tags himself in, now-inactive Uso hits a Samoan Drop, and active Uso flies of the top rope with a diving splash and picks up the victory. They're tackling each other and its all very cute until The Shield come out. Having all the sense in the world that The Usos apparently don't, Naomi and Cameron bail from ringside. However, The Shield just stay in the crowd.
Paul Heyman's on his way to the ring, and he looks agitated. "Will he have an explanation?!" Cole ponders. Guess we're about to find out. Paul Heyman says he has ignored CM Punk's texts, emails and calls, because the only way to do it is face to face on Raw in front of thousands of people and millions of at home viewers. Sure enough here comes Punkers, who wants to explain first of all why he has questions. He also mentions Heyman's "rotten reputation as a human being" hehehe. Punk recalls being signed to WWE in 2005. John Laurinaitis put Punk down to OVW. However, Heyman was in charge of the developmental system. He says that CM Punk was not set up to succeed, because "certain people in a managerial position" didn't like him, and that Heyman was told to not consider bringing CM Punk to Raw or Smackdown television. However, Heyman believed in CM Punk, and drafted him to ECW upon it's resurrection. We should do CM Punk Storytime every week. I'm sitting here with my face in my hands and hearts in my eyes. Punk tells Heyman to tell Brock Lesnar that he's coming for him. And now, to address the "elephant in the room", Punk asks if Lesnar attacked Punk on his own, or whether he attacked Punk because Heyman saw the writing on the wall after Payback. Punk seems to have made up his mind already, however, and tells Heyman to tell the truth and he can accept it. Punkers gets really angry, screaming at Heyman to tell the truth for the first time in his life. You can see the veins in his neck. Hell I like this better than Storytime. Walrus avoids the question, saying he never wanted it to be this way. But then he says "on his children", that he didn't know about the attack. The crowd seems to disagree, to say the least. However, he says that Punk picked a fight with Lesnar without realizing, and that Heyman kept them apart for so long on purpose because of "professional jealousy". CM Punk is jealous of no one! Heyman rambles a bit more and I think I missed something because it sounds to me now like they're getting married, as Heyman says "I am going to walk down that aisle with you one day". I don't blame him, I'd want to marry CM punk too. Then he tells CM Punk he loves him. Me too, buddy. Me too. Heyman says he will never represent anyone against CM Punk, including Lesnar. Punk stares at Heyman for a long time looking confused, the crowd chanting GTS, but then he says... "I'm sorry I doubted you". And they hug for 47 years. Cole announces that by a poll, 77% of voters believe that Paul Heyman had something to do with Brock Lesnar attacking Punk. Katie is apart of that 77%.
Apparently Punk's opponent for this evening is Darren Young. I'm having NXT flashbacks! Young actually holds his own, which I suppose ties in with the whole emotional Paul Heyman story. For a moment after a Gutbuster it genuinely looks like Young is about to beat CM Punk. Phew! But like two seconds later Young taps out immediately to the Anaconda Vise. I mean like without hesitation. Both Prime Time Players attack Punk after the match, and I'm waiting for someone to come help Punk. And someone does. But that someone is... Curtis Axel? Makes sense... I think... Heyman gets in the ring once PTP have gone, and tries to explain why Curtis Axel is here to Punk, who doesn't seem impressed with the help. This is starting to seem like a father and his three adopted children who can't seem to get along but he just wants them all to love him. It's creepy. But I like it.
Backstage, Vickie is leaving Brad Maddox a very angry voice message because she can't find him, and is interrupted by H.R.H Queen Stephanie. She mentions that Vickie hasn't announced the participants in the WWE Championship MITB ladder match, but no matter, she'll do it herself now.
The Bella Twins are doing something at ringside, but I don't care. Here comes Stephanie (ugh seriously my Queen. I love u 4eva Stephanie xoxo). The first participant... CM Punk! Wooo I approve. The others are Daniel Bryan, Sheamus, Randy Orton, Christian, Kane, Rob Van Dam. Steph does the hand thing for Rob Van Dam and it's super awesome. Speaking of super awesome, THIS MATCH! I'm so freaking excited. Literally anyone in this match could win, although due to the Return Rule my money (no pun intended) is on RVD. The crowd looks really unexcited, and it makes me fucking angry because that match sounds awesome.
Brickie are having a lovers spat back in their office when all of a sudden there's heavy breathing and spit flying everywhere because Ryback has walked in. He bitches for a while about deserving the WWE title, then Y2J comes in and says that he deserves a shot at the title more. Things get heated, and Maddox tries to separate them, but they stare him down and he gets scared and backs down. Vickie doesn't scare as easily apparently, so she screams at them like the HBIC she is. Then she makes Ryback vs Jericho for Money In The Bank.
Backstage again, this time with Punk and Heyman. Punk is mad, saying he doesn't need Heyman's help. Heyman says he's sorry and he gets emotional about his best friend. He makes a comment about stubbornness, and Punk doesn't take kindly to that. Heyman says he went to Vickie Guerrero's office, and already Punk's expression is reading "fuuuuuuccckkkk yoooouuuu".
Out now is Mark Henry, while King talks about how last week "Paul Henry" was "crying tears". Someone get that man off commentary. Mark Henry gloats about how he fooled everyone. He talks crap in between strong "what?" chants, then says like he said last week, he is coming home... with the WWE Championship.
Ooh, we're being told that this Friday its time for Fiesta Del Rio. You know why I'm excited for that? Because championship celebrations get crashed 100% of the time.
King announces the DB vs Orton match is going to be a street fight, with 50% of the votes. The match quickly goes to the outside, and Orton is the first to introduce a weapon, smacking Deebz in the head with a steel chair. During the commercial break, they apparently brawled up near the stage, and DB got a back body drop onto the ramp. Now we're back in the ring, and Orton gets a table from under the ring. He doesn't get to use it for now though, as Bryan tries to fight his way back in the match. Needless to say I think shit will definitely go down between these two at MITB. My prediction is one of them will be the only thing to stop the other one from grabbing the briefcase. Anyway back to this match, Orton leans the table up against the corner, but Bryan fights his way back in it. Orton gives Bryan another big shot with the steel chair to slow the little guy down. Turns out there's another table set up outside the ring, and Orton tries to suplex Bryan out of the ring and through the table, but it doesn't work. The tables are not Orton's friends tonight. Bryan tries to knock Orton off the apron through the table but Orton continually hangs on. On the fourth try, Bryan slides through Orton's legs and powerbombs him off the apron through the table. That's gotta hurt! Bryan puts Orton back in the ring, but Orton kicks out. Bryan now alternates between kicking Randy in the chest and hitting him over the back with a kendo stick. Orton manages to grab Bryan's leg and throw him through the table set up in the corner of the ring (it's rather unsuccessful but it's enough to keep Bryan down). The pace slows down while both superstars regain their balance, until Orton hits a drop kick. Taking a moment right here to appreciate the fact that we are consistently getting PPV quality matches on Raw these days. Bryan leaps of the top rope but is caught by Orton who powerbombs DB. Bryan locks in the No Lock, but instead of reaching for the ropes, Orton reaches for a kendo stick, and starts swatting repeatedly at Bryan over his shoulder. It's actually very amusing. Even after the hold is broken, Orton keeps smacking Bryan with the kendo stick. After a DDT from Orton and a backslide from Bryan, Bryan now has the kendo stick, and is swinging for the fences. He gets the No Lock locked in again, and Orton again reaches the kendo stick, but as he swats, Bryan snatches it off him and uses it in the No Lock.
Quote of the night: Chris Jericho [to Ryback] "You're gonna eat me alive? So you're a cannibal now? Is that where we're at? I'd like to see you try, Mr. Back."
Something to ponder: If Randy Orton's punt is banned, why is Del Rio still allowed to kick people (especially concussed people) in the head?
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