So we kick off this weeks Raw with John Cena coming to the ring, and right off the bat it's obvious that Washington DC does not have much love for the poor man. And it only gets worse. But what intrigued me most about the crowd's reaction to Cena was Cena's reaction to their reaction. I dare not say it in case I jinx it, but I think he's going to turn into an h-word post Wrestlemania!
Sidenote: JBL's on commentary tonight, yay!
So Cena begins to talk about Washington and "Cenacrats" (to which he is met with a strong boo) vs "Rockpublicans" and says that he isn't going to act like he did last year - "those childish games are over", and unfortunately/fortunately for us, he will not be talking about "Dwayne's Johnson". He then quickly gets into another aggressive rant much like he did last week (which I totally loved by the way), and soon enough the crowd is chanting "Cena sucks", and Cena smiles, like always. Props to one of the cameramen by the way for managing to find the only three people in the entire crowd with Cena merchandise and signs. When Cena starts to talk about how he will keep Rock's new belt as a reminder, and the crowd responds with "Boooooring". Come on, Washington, give the poor guy a break! He kinda looks pissed now... *fingers crossed*
Anyway, that's soon over, and Cole Touts The King's thoughts on #RockvsCena - King is going with history and tipping Rock. Cole really looked like he was struggling there.
Back from ad break, and 3MB are in the ring, which means - yay - another squash match. At least they have their music career to fall back on, right?! 3MB are facing Orton, Sheamus and Big Show, who apparently need several warm up matches for Wrestlemania, unlike The Shield. Orton and Sheamus still cannot go five minutes without touching each other. A solid three minutes later, we have victors!
As much as I like these guys, I'm genuinely sad that three main-event caliber superstars didn't lose to what is considered a joke of a tag team the week before their big match at Wrestlemania. I mean, it would be kind of a nice surprise. The Shield appear (another shocker) and they have something to say - Orton, Sheamus and Big Show won't win at Wrestlemania. As Ambrose claims, they will be left "looking up at the sky, wondering what went wrong". Seth Rollins is trying to get heat from the crowd but this one obnoxious guy near him is making it hard by screaming "believe in The Shield!". JBL believes The Shield win will at Wrestlemania.
We're treated to some more lovely xenophobic slander from Zeb Colter, and this time WWE actually does surprise me, because Jack Swagger is saying something other than "we the people"! Naw, you go Jackie! We then cut to an interview with Alberto Del Rio, who talks about America being a land of opportunity and he has the opportunity to do something about Jack Swagger's slander at Wrestlemania. Also Zeb Colter (referred to by Albeto as Jumanji guy and a pinata with a big, fat mustache) has challenged Alberto to a match????? Okay then.
Daniel Bryan w. Kane vs Dolph Ziggler w. Big E and AJ is next, and as you would expect, it's a good match. Also as you would expect, AJ and Big E get involved by taking out Kane, which distracts Bryan long enough for Ziggler to roll him up for the three count (although I'm pretty sure Bryan's shoulders were up before the three). Bryan is attacked by Big E post-match, and when Kane tries to help him, Big E counters the chokeslam, which Michael Cole sells very well. I'm not awfully excited about the concept of Big E and Ziggy winning the titles, I personally think there's plenty of other teams that deserve the tag team spotlight, but they also wouldn't be as interesting to watch in a feud with Team Hell No. Also I continue to be amazed by the transformation of Ziggler's hair throughout a match from start to finish.
I'd like to say right here that if you don't love Shawn Michaels you are wrong (or you base whether you like people or not on their fashion choices). I'm reminded very quickly how loveable this guy is and ugh it's so good that he's still on good terms with WWE so we still get to see him sometimes. He talks about HHH's match at Wrestlemania and just when it sounds like he's going to say he doubts HHH can win, The Game himself interrupts. It feels a little wrong that he's been on Raw more than the WWE Champ lately but hey what can you do. HBK states that he hopes HHH kicks Brock Lesnar's ass at Wrestlemania, and he will be in his corner to see it happen. They have a nice bromantic moment with a hug, until, right before they tell everyone to suck it, Brock Lesnar and Heyman interrupt. Heyman talks about how Triple H is going to disappoint everyone, including his wife "but you're probably used to that anyway". That draws considerable heat from the crowd, but I loved it. In fact I believe I said "snap! You go gurl!" After some more talk of how Lesnar will destroy Triple H, the music gods decide that Lesnar won that encounter as Triple H glares at him.
I say this a lot, but oh my god it should not be a big deal worth promoting that the WWE Champion is on Raw. Woo, yay, he actually showed up! Go away, Rock. Anywho I digress, and The Miz is now on commentary for Wade Barrett's match against Zack Ryder. Poor Long Island Iced Z is just getting thrown into matches where he clearly won't win these days. Someone give the guy a break. We're told that Miz vs Barrett will be on Wrestlemania's pre show, and I have to say there is something clearly wrong with that. Brodus Clay, Tensai and The Funkadactyls get on the main card, but not an IC Title match. Okay, WWE. Okay. The Miz pretends he's okay with it though. The match actually lasts longer than I thought it would, considering Zack's track record lately, but it ends as you'd expect. Wade Barrett is successful and he yells things at The Miz after the match.
Santino's back!! He plays a weak attempt at an April Fools joke on Brickie and implies that Brad Maddox pooped himself, and they respond by putting him in a match. Uh oh...
In the meantime we're notified again that Undertaker will "verbally eviscerate" CM Punk. Now I really want to who chose those exact words because my god, why can't they just say "responds to his actions"? Verbally eviscerate is just gross. I know I'm speaking on behalf of a lot of people here but I think I can safely say that nobody wants to think of Undertaker disembowelling CM Punk. Santino's match turns out to be, as you would expect on the Raw before Wrestlemania, a way of hyping the Ryback vs Mark Henry match, because Mark Henry squashes Santino in about 2 seconds. The replay they show of the weightlifting competition on Smackdown last week is actually longer than the match. Ryback comes out, and throws Santino at Mark Henry (because they can't touch each other until Wrestlemania). Welcome back, Santino Marella.
The commentators are getting a good laugh because it's just been announced that Mr McMahon is on Twitter. Dear lord.
We now get an interview with a hood-wearing CM Punk, who is, of course, carrying Urn Anderson.
Striker asks Punk if he thinks he's disrespecting the memory of Paul Bearer, and Punk responds that the real question is if he gives a damn about disrespecting Paul Bearer. He says he wants to get in Taker's head, because he cares about his own legacy and beating the streak. He adds that Paul Bearer's streak of getting up every morning is now over (touchy subject - but then again, isn't this whole storyline a touchy subject?). He points out that if Undertaker gets DQ'd or counted out he still loses. Punk says he will walk on graves and spit in faces to beat Undertaker. And right now I have hearts in my eyes because CM Punk is just so damn good at promos.
Jack Swagger and his ridiculous hair are coming to the ring with Zeb Colter now. I feel like I should care a lot more about the WHC match at Wrestlemania, but... meh. Alberto vs Colter is barely a match, because Colter takes one of Ricardo Rodriguez' crutches and threatens Del Rio with it while Swagger attacks Ricardo, and before we know it Colter is disqualified, and Swagger and Colter just start nailing Del Rio with the crutches. I'm more interested in JBL's commentary, as he yells at Cole to "be consistent!" and says "it's not propaganda it's freedom of speech!" He has a point.
The Rock comes out next, and it's literally three minutes before he actually starts talking. He does his usual sucking up to the fans and their town, and "sticking it straight up your candy ass". He says Cena's time isn't now, it's never. It's essentially a pointless promo. I feel he's said all this before. Oh wait, he has, all two times he's shown up to Raw this year (I don't actually know how many time's he's shown up, I don't care enough to count).
Next is Jericho vs Cesaro, and my focus is on why the fuck Cesaro is suddenly yodelling all the time? Like when did this become a thing? It's a good, solid wrestling match, but it gets a lot more interesting with Fandago comes out and starts holding up score cards every time Jericho does a move on Cesaro. The Lionsault gets a 3. The commentators now seem a lot more interested in talking about dancing and synchronised swimming. Aren't we supposed to be getting people excited for Wrestlemania, guys? Cesaro taps out to the Walls of Jericho, and as you would expect, Fandango attacks him after the match to a lovely chorus of "you can't wrestle".
We're informed that Trish Stratus has asked Stephanie McMahon to induct her into the Hall of Fame, and Stephanie accepted. Aw! I'm actually very excited about that.
I don't even want to say this, but The Funkadactyls w. Brodus Clay and Tensai vs The Bella Twins w. Rhodes Scholars is the main event of Raw tonight. Cody and Damien are wearing each others t-shirts, aw. As nice as it is to see Divas in the main event, even the commentators can't pay attention. Michael Cole is actually snorting as they make jokes about Brodus Clay and Tensai. The Bellas get the victory with a roll up. As much as this Wrestlemania match is a joke, it's very nice to see at least 5 Divas on the card at Wrestlemania (6 if these rumors about Kaitlyn putting her title on the line in the Tag Team titles match are true).
So now we're up to The Undertaker's evisceration (ugh), and he says he wants to make CM Punk pay the ultimate price. He says due to his current state of mind, the streak may come to an end, but Punk won't live to talk about it. Then some druids come out which makes Undertaker very confused, until it all becomes clear when Paul Heyman appears, saying "ooooh yes!" while dressed as Paul Bearer. And yes, it's as great as it sounds.
The Undertaker starts to go after Heyman, but then realizes that CM Punk is probably dressed as one of the druids. He starts beating up some poor random guys before Punk attacks him from behind. Punk beats down Taker, then takes the urn and pours Bearer's ashes (not his real ashes I'm sure) all over Taker and himself. Yes. Yes. This is what main events at Wrestlemania are made of. Take note, Cena and Rock. I am so excited for Wrestlemania.
Quote of the night goes to JBL - "[Brodus Clay and Tensai] look like large, rhythmic tomatoes"
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