No opening promo from John Cena this week for the first time in what feels like years - instead, straight off the bat we are treated to the delightfulness that is Randy Orton in his ring gear, and yay without rib tape now so we can see his thirty-eight pack. I approve. He stops on the entrance stage though, which gets me all giggly and excited because I know what's coming next. Sure enough, Justin Roberts announces that we're going to see a two on one handicap match.
We're officially switching gears now as Cole starts talking about 3MB, and now they're backstage with Josh Matthews. Calling out The Shield. I'm legitimately laughing out loud. Yes, because three former world champions couldn't beat them, but yes, 3MB will defeat them without a doubt. They're in the ring now, and Heath Slater is talking about what happened Smackdown. He refers to The Shield as a "three man cover band". It's brilliant. Just when you thought Raw couldn't get any more intense and exciting, we get 3MB talking about literally nothing and demanding a hand written apology from The Shield. Instead, they get Brock Lesnar. It goes pretty much as you would expect. Lesnar doesn't stop until Paul Heyman appears, probably because Lesnar actually killed Heath Slater. Paul Heyman announces that Lesnar isn't done with Triple H. Heyman says that he respects Triple H for what happened at Wrestlemania, but Lesnar doesn't. Heyman challenges Triple H to an old steel steel cage match at Extreme Rules on behalf of Lesnar. It just got interesting!
Next we have a United States Championship match - Antonio Cesaro vs Kofi Kingston (yes. Kofi Kingston). I'm as surprised as you guys. And Kofi doesn't even get the jobber entrance! Must be random championship o'clock for Kofi! Cesaro starts yodelling when he comes out... this does not look good for the champion. Kofi goes for a few roll ups early on, but Cesaro gains control. Kofi lands a Boom Drop, and prepares for Trouble in Paradise... which Cesaro dodges and turns into a super duper upper cut. Kofi kicks out, and Cesaro is back in control of this match. Kofi lands the SOS out of nowhere, but Cesaro gets his hand on the ropes. Again out of nowhere, Kofi hits Cesaro with Trouble in Paradise, but Cesaro rolls out of the ring. He gets him back in the ring, but Cesaro kicks out. After a series of roll ups and reversals, Kofi hits the Trouble in Paradise again, and would you believe it - we have a new United States Champion!
Out next is the neeewwww World Heavyweight Champion Dolph Ziggler. Interesting fact, Michael Cole mentions that Edge is the only person that held their MITB briefcase longer than Ziggler. Ziggler cuts a promo to try and get him more heat because people still love him. He even says "some of you may boo, I don't care". He says that showing off is what you do when you are simply better than everyone else. Whilst talking about the perks of being the best, he lays a big one on AJ whilst Big E stands by looking surprisingly okay with being the third wheel. He's probably used to it. Because Ziggler's just not a lucky guy, Alberto Del Rio interrupts him. He gets a little flustered when about a dozen people actually cheer for him, but he goes on to say that he wants his rematch tonight. Ziggler gives him a cool story, bro (literally) and before he can say no, Vickie Guerrero appears on the stage. Vickie allows the championship match to take place. Before it can get started however, Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter interrupt (I sense a triple threat match coming!). Zeb claims that Dolph doesn't deserve the title, because the only reason he has the title is Jack Swagger. Swagger attacks Del Rio and his bad leg while Ziggler, AJ and Big E just stand and watch. No WHC match tonight!
Primetime Players vs Team Hell No is next, back like a bad horror movie sequel. Not that I don't like seeing Team Hell No in action, but my god a change would be nice. But then there's this...
In case you cared why Ryback attacked John Cena last week (speaking of which, where is he? We usually would've seen him like three times by now), which I don't, he's going to explain himself now with what limited vocabulary he has. He says Wrestlemania was the best night of Cena's career, and the worst of Ryback's. He says a lot of stuff that doesn't really answer any questions for a bit, then he says he doesn't want to be an afterthought or a sidekick and doesn't wanna be ignored and all that stuff. He then kinda blames Cena for The Shield attacking him. I really really really don't want to see a Ryback/Cena feud. He ends the whole thing with "Ryback rules" which just makes him sound like an idiot. As if he didn't already.
R-Truth is in the ring now to go one on one with Wade Barrett. It's announced that there will be a 10 man battle royal to determine the #1 contender for Barrett's IC Title (shouldn't Miz get his rematch first? Hmmm). It's reasonably back and forth, and somehow, R-Truth manages to pick up the win with a DDT. It's actually a genuine surprise. Even R-Truth doesn't seem to know how it happened.
BRICKIE! Not so co-ordinated this week. In walks Teddy Long, who says he has a solution to the Alberto Del Rio problem; Swagger vs Ziggler tonight. Teddy says he doesn't know if Booker knows about the match, and Brad goes to tell somebody about the match.
The Great Khali with Hornswoggle and Natalya make their way to the ring next (and a part of me dies inside due to lack of talent recognition - three guesses who I'm talking about) for a tag match with Santino Marella vs Team Rhodes Scholars, who come out next, and I can't help but smile when I see they have microphones in hand. It's a victory for all, really. Cody says they're advancing the cause of decency, and Sandow calls South Carolina a den of ignorance. Sandow starts it off against Khali, and of course bails pretty quick because Khali is ginormous. Cody wisely says he wants Santino and waits for the tag to take place before even getting in the ring (that's my boy). I miss when Cody didn't wear knee pads. Cody's smart decision making puts Team Rhodes Scholars back in control of the match, and to keep it that way, Sandow and Rhodes make frequent tags. King takes a cheap shot at Cody Rhodes' intelligence over on commentary while Santino starts to shift the momentum. Santino hits Sandow with The Cobra, but Cody interferes. He quickly rolls out of the ring when Santino threatens him with the Cobra, until Hornswoggle hits him in the stomach with a Cobra of his own. Cody isn't amused, and grabs Hornswoggle until Khali gets him from behind. Meanwhile, Sandow picks up the victory via roll up for Team Rhodes Scholars. They reunite in the ring to embrace very metrosexually, and Sandow is so happy about it that he does a cartwheel. Love these guys.
King's in the ring now (no not to wrestle, you can relax), and he's talking about the success of Fandangoing, which we see some clips of. It's pure brilliance. Fandango then makes his glorious entrance. He asks who wants to go Fandangoing with him, but before they do, they need to pronounce his name correctly. Faaaaan.... Daaaaannn (you need to breathe in the A's)... Goooooo. The crowd then begins a weak effort at Fandangoing. They can't pronounce his name correctly, so Fandango tells them they can go Fandango themselves. Zing!
Backstage Matt Striker is with John Cena, who says that he's not hard to find if Ryback wants him, he'll even change into his bright yellow shirt, then he just walks off.
Time for Swagger vs Ziggler. Ziggler showboats a bit to start off, even slapping Swagger in the face... and then promptly running away. Swagger overpowers Ziggler early on. After the first commercial break of the match, Ziggler dodges Swagger and sends him flying shoulder first into the ring post, regaining some momentum, until Swagger hits the belly to belly suplex. After a few more dodges and reversals, Ziggler lands a drop kick, followed by a DDT, but only gets a two-count. Jack Swagger hangs Ziggler up on the ropes and rolls him up, using his massive size as leverage for the 1-2-3. On his way up the ramp, Swagger is attacked by Del Rio (oh honey, you're already injured and can't even walk, just stop). His knee seems fine enough for him to put the cross-armbreaker on Swagger over the entrance stage though.
We get an injury update on The Rock, which is unfortunate because I thought he was just going to be forgotten about, and then we see CM Punk walking to the ring with Paul Heyman. He seems like he's in a good mood, smiling at something on his phone.
Backstage with Matt Striker now is Sheamus, and he doesn't even get asked a question before Mark Henry attacks him again. Where's Randy Orton when you need him? The referees make sure Henry walks away, and I'm left more confused than ever.
Look in my eyeeeees, what do you see? God I've missed this. I know it's only been two weeks but ugh. Punk doesn't seem to be walking very well on his knee. Poor thing. King comments that he doesn't even know how Punk is walking right now. Well, because he's God, King. Do your research. Heyman gives CM Punk a microphone, and ensures him that he's the best in the world. Punk looks like a puppy dog, I can't handle it.
Backstage again, Booker T is mad at Teddy Long for making a match behind his back. Booker says that Swagger will get a championship match, but Del Rio will too, in a triple threat match. Who called it?! I will say it was pretty obvious though.
Back in the ring, Kaitlyn has had a jobber's entrance, and will tonight be competing against the Bella twin with the implants. At least we can tell them apart now! Not-so-fun-and-mostly-depressing fact for you: Since it's inception in 2008, the Divas Championship has never been defended at Wrestlemania. Kaitlyn makes Nikki look a little stupid by overpowering her in the early going. Nikki confers with Brie outside the ring, until Kaitlyn attacks them both. Brie distracts Kaitlyn which allowed Nikki to take Kaitlyn down outside the ring. The commentators start talking about telling the Bella Twins apart, and King comments that one is slightly larger than the other. Take that as you will. Nikki is now in control, and JBL says he can't believe King said one was larger than the other, taking it to mean fatter, and King responds "I can't believe you can't see the obvious" while laughing to himself. Kaitlyn starts to fight back, but when the referee isn't looking, Brie swaps places with Nikki, and hangs Kaitlyn up on the ropes for the pinfall victory. King just barely gets out through his laughter "I think the smaller one took the victory".
It's announced that Orton and Sheamus will team up against Mark Henry and Big Show this week on Smackdown. Miniwave in celebration! Woo!
John Cena's out now to call out Ryback. Cena commentes to Ryback that he should be shaking in his boots wetting his khakis; but he isn't. Because Ryback showed what kind of man he was when Cena issued an open challenge to any superstar who wanted to earn the title from him, and Ryback did nothing, instead waiting until Cena's back was turned. Cena lists the likes of Orton, Triple H and Michaels and says they're his friends but they beat the hell out of each other because in this business friends are something but the WWE Championship is everything. Cena says that Ryback lacks what it takes to be a champion, implying he has no balls or brains. Cena readies himself for a fight, and says he wants to see if Ryback has what it takes to earn a championship (spoiler alert: he doesn't). They stare each other down for a bit, but Ryback backs down. And that's when The Shield come in. I can see this playing out very badly for John Cena. They surround the ring, and Ryback watches as The Shield break John Cena down. Then he walks away, leaving The Shield to triple powerbomb Cena.
Quote of the night [1/2]: Cody Rhodes to Hornswoggle, after Hornswoggle tried to do the Cobra on Rhodes "Are you serious? You're not even doing it right."
[2/2]: JBL about AJ "She's either trying to figure out this match or figure out what state she's in. Mentally, who knows what state she's in."
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