Josh Matthews is commentating with King tonight because JBL and Cole are at Axxess. It's weird. So after yet another replay of the bench pressing contest from last week we start off with the ever so fascinating Ryback vs Primo and Epico in what is, as you can imagine, just an excuse to make Ryback look strong before competing with the World's Strongest Man at Wrestlemania. The match ends when Ryback gives what I'll admit is an impressive Shellshock to both Primo and Epico, at the same time.
We are shown our second replay of the night, this time it's Zeb Colter and Jack Swagger using Ricardo's crutches on Alberto Del Rio on Raw. They also talk about Axxess for the second time thus far, because JBL and Cole are there. JBL makes Cole look tiny when they're actually standing, hehe. Then they show us a Lesnar vs Triple H promo and plug the Hall of Fame. Sorry but I'm skipping through all this Axxess stuff, it's just making me sad that I can't be there. Fandango gets a pretty sick promo video, and after the third replay of the night, I feel it noteworthy to add that we are now 27 minutes into Smackdown and have seen one five minute match.
The Shield come up next with another of their handycam vlogs, Roman Reigns makes me pee my pants a bit, and oh yep time for another Wrestlemania promo. But this one's CM Punk so I don't mind. Everything this man says is pure gold. A few more promos, fourth replay of the night, and I'm about to say this isn't worth recapping, then I see that Tons of Funk will be in action next. I've seen the spoilers, I know what's coming next, and I'm staying to talk about it!
Oh this is nice, Tons of Funk and The Funkadactyls are coming out-- Wait a second! That's not Naomi and Cameron, they're far too white! That's The Bella Twins! Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow are absolute champions. They've come out sporting bad fat suits, the hats, matching red tracksuits, the whole nine. Cody even has Tensai's face thing on and a bald cap. And they're eating snacks. They all get scared and fall over when the fireworks go off.
Damien is quick to clarify that they are imitating Tons of Funk to illustrate the lunacy and ridiculousness that is, as Cody describes them, "those belligerent behemoths". Damien Sandow continues with more rhetoric genius, and claims that Tons of Funk and The Funkadactlys don't belong in the same ring as them. Maybe that's why the Wrestlemania match never happened? (Ooh, touchy subject). Cody seems to like his new figure, he keeps touching his belly. The real Tons of Funk come out next looking extra large and extra shiny, with Naomi and Cameron in tow of course. They don't look as impressed as I do right about now. It's hard to take them seriously though with their theme music playing in the background. Even with the fat suit, Tensai makes Cody look absolutely tiny. The dancing people are soon happy and indeed dancing one again, and Josh Matthews questions whether we'll see this celebration at Wrestlemania. Nope! Because WWE is ridiculous with time management.
Another Wrestlemania promo. I will say though I do enjoy watching Cena do his whole "you didn't beat me, I beat me" thing. Heel Cena is awesome. We also get a recap of the press conference, which I enjoyed for this reason;
Huge photo op, Triple H is taking a photo with his cell and CM Punk is standing there in his street clothes not giving a fuck like always. JBL berates Cole for trying to get in on the photo, calling him pathetic, and I giggle once again. We're reminded that Jack Swagger vs Kofi Kingston is coming up soon, because yes this is actually a wrestling show not a highlights show, and I'm pretty sure that's the most promotion Kofi has gotten in months. JBL and Cole smile as they talk about Donald Trumpy (unintentional spelling error, but I'm gonna leave it in there) being inducted into the Hall of Fame. Trust me boys, you're the only ones. More replays. Renee Young interviews Alberto Del Rio which I only watched because I like her.
Main event time! Aw, already? I was really enjoying all this fast-paced wrestling action... congrats to Kofi though for being apart of a main event for the first time since 1827. He's so excited that he struggles a bit getting into the ring. King calls Zeb Colter "Jeb Colter". And this is after calling The Bella Twins "Brie and Bella" earlier. On the show that isn't live. Come on King, get your shit together. King also comments that he thinks Zeb has brainwashed Swagger, which makes me suddenly see a face turn in Swagger's distant future. Swagger has Kofi in a submission hold, and is yelling "we the people" right in Kofi's face because that's all he's allowed to say on television. Kofi lands the SOS, but Swagger kicks out, Zeb Colter provides a distraction, and soon enough Kofi's tapping to the Patriot Lock. And that's all for Smackdown this week!
Quote of the night: JBL to Michael Cole "You have the athletic ability of an Oklahoma chimpanzee... But it was fun. For us to watch you fail"
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