Before Michael Cole even gets to welcome us to Smackdown, Big E Langston and his incredible shrinking tights are on the entrance stage, introducing us to the new World Heavyweight Champion, Dolph Ziggler (presumably mocking Ricardo Rodriguez). Ziggler has his hair in a ponytail and a neon pink shirt on but he's the WHC and it's wonderful so I can't really make fun of him. He says he's always been the most physically gifted athlete the WWE has ever seen, and everyone knew he was the future of the company. He reminds us that he is in fact a heel and please don't cheer for him when he tells us that the title and the moment that made it his belong to him only, not the WWE Universe. He does the typical I'm Dolph Ziggler And I'm Better Than You speech, which gets the crowd booing him again. But try as he may, he still doesn't get as much heat as Jack Swagger, who interrupts Ziggy's little celebration (?) with Zeb Colter in tow. In the same way that Big E's trunks are getting smaller, Zeb's mustache seems to be taking over his face a little more every time we see him. Zeb tells Ziggler that he approves of Ziggy being born and raised in USA, but Jack Swagger is to thank for Ziggler beating Del Rio. Ziggler isn't impressed, and says that Jack had his chance and blew it (crowd is very impressed with this), and that Swagger should go to the back of the line because this is Ziggler's time. Swagger looks like he may want to start a fight, but Big E and his physically imposing man boobs discourage him. Colter pretty much says that Swagger will get his, and Ziggler gets a bit mad when the music gods determine Swagger/Colter the winners of that verbal confrontation. He makes them stop the music to continue his tirade. Until Alberto Del Rio interrupts him. When will people get the message that you just can't have a championship celebration without being interrupted? Apparently Alberto now that he isn't champion no longer gets his own introduction. Ziggler dares a clearly still injured Del Rio to come down to the ring to get his rematch. Del Rio refuses, and congratulates Ziggler, but says that when his ankle heals he will get his rematch, and he chucks a few Spanish words in there to remind us that he's still Mexican. Ziggler again gets angry when the production guys play Del Rio's music. Poor guy just wants to talk about how great he is without being interrupted. Just when he thought he had the floor to himself, he's interrupted again, this time by Chris Jericho. Jericho tells Dolph to please shut the hell up, and makes a point of calling AJ crazy. Of course, "AJ's crazy" starts into a chant, which makes AJ a little tiny bit upset.
After the break, Sheamus is in Booker T's office, and he's angry that he didn't get a match with Big Show and that he had to face his life partner Randy Orton instead. Turns out Randy's right behind Sheamus because they're obsessed with each other, obviously, and Randy too questions why they were put in a match together. Teddy Long tries to defend Booker's actions, and Booker ends up just doing what he should have done in the first place and making a handicap match for tonight; Randy and Sheamus vs Big Show.
Team Hell No vs Prime Time Players is the first match of the night, and Titus O'Neil and Kane start it off. Kane goes for the Chokeslam early, but Darren Young tags himself in and gets an uppercut for his troubles. Tag in to Bryan. I can't hear a thing the commentators are saying because either their mic volumes are too low or the crowd is too loud. Tag in to O'Neil, and soon both Kane and Darren Young are also in the ring. Kane Chokeslams Young while Bryan gets O'Neil to submit to the No Lock. Lillian Garcia isn't even finished announcing Team Hell No the winners when The Shield are on the Titantron live from their secret clubhouse. They congratulate Team Hell No on the win, and Ambrose says they hope Team Hell No don't think The Shield are afraid after they retreated from their attack on Raw, because The Shield are never afraid. They drop their handi-cam on the floor and walk away ominously, which begs the question of do they go back later and get their cameras, or do they just buy new ones? Kane's so frustrated that he does the fire from the ring posts thing, and for the first time in a long time, Daniel Bryan doesn't flinch, so he must be pretty mad too.
Next is Santino Marella vs Wade Barrett, who's IC Champ again in case you missed Raw this week. Santino quickly picks up the victory in what is a very easy match for him. Nah, I'm just kidding. Santino gets his ass kicked. But at least he actually got some offense in this time! It seems like The Miz almost never had the Intercontinental Title, and I'm becoming quite confused as to why they had Barrett lose it in the first place.
Kaitlyn and The Funkadactyls vs Tamina Snuka and The Bella Twins is next, and while I begin to wonder if the WWE Divas Championship even means anything anymore because I don't even remember the last storyline surrounding it, the match ends, with one of The Bella Twins picking up the victory. Okay then.
Kofi Kingston vs Antonio Cesaro (who I actually kind of forgot is US Champ) is up now, and I almost don't want to call it, because Kofi is just nothing if not a tool for putting people over these days. But with a quick reversal and a Trouble in Paradise, Kofi manages to pick up a victory. Yeah, celebrate Kofi! Enjoy your moment! It's almost like he's never won a match before.
Triple H is out next, talking of course, not wrestling. He says he told us the ass-kicker is back, and pretty much reminds us that he backed up everything he claimed at Wrestlemania. Triple H hasn't even taken off his super-cool sunglasses when he's interrupted by... 3MB? Even Michael Cole, the king of ridiculousness, recognizes how stupid this is. Heath Slater tells Triple H to shut up and listen up; 3MB have noticed that to get attention in WWE you have to beat one of the big dogs, and they want to "rock [Triple H's] face". JBL is very amused. They surround the ring much like The Shield does but it's really not the same.
Speaking of The Shield, here they come! Triple H is now realizing how truly screwed he is because even if 3MB are total morons it's still 6-on-1. Turns out Shield is just mad that 3MB stole their thing, and they casually throw 3MB around ringside for a bit before moving in on Triple H. But here come Kane and Daniel Bryan just in time, because speed isn't really The Shield's thing. Seth Rollins is very upset, and The Shield are quick to retreat, but they definitely aren't afraid.
Back in Booker T's office, a very rude Big Show interrupts to say that he is upset that he's been put in a handicap match tonight. Show says this is so typical, because Booker T is bias towards him, and he wants to walk out tonight and not compete. Booker T challenges him to do just that, but if Show wants to stay, his match is next.
He wasn't kidding. Sheamus and Orton debate briefly over who will start the match, with Sheamus reasoning that he should because Orton's ribs are taped up after Big Show's spear on Raw. Orton ends up starting anyway. Despite being injured, Orton manages to hold his own until a sidewalk slam from Big Show. Big Show focuses on Orton's injured ribs, until he takes too long on the top rope and Orton is able to tag in Sheamus. Sheamus is all kinds of fired up, calling Show a "flying piece of crap", from what I can tell. His momentum is quickly stopped, however, and Big Show is in control again. He threatens Charles Robinson too :( Orton hits the RKO out of absolutely nowhere, which allows Sheamus to capitalize and hit the Brogue Kick. Show rolls out of the ring and gets himself intentionally counted out, leaving this feud very much unresolved. Congratulations to RK-Brogue for not only winning, but going a maximum of two and a half minutes without touching each other during that match (yes I timed it). They make up for it afterwards, though.
Orton and Sheamus are backstage now, being all concerned for each other, until Renee Young asks for an interview. Orton heads to the trainers room, while Sheamus stays to tell Renee that revenge was pretty sweet, and that all that matters is heart. But then Mark Henry attacks him out of nowhere. Referees are suddenly all over the place (it's almost like they knew that was going to happen!), so Mark Henry retreats. What just happened?
Main event time. It's very back and forth for a while, and Fandango shows up in all his fabulousness, allowing AJ to distract Jericho. Ziggler lands the Fame Asser, but Jericho kicks out. Jericho knocks Fandango from the apron, and counters the Zig Zag, going for the Walls, but just as he gets it locked in, the ref is distracted by Fandango and doesn't see Big E knocking Jericho down. Ziggler gets the roll up, and it's a relatively easy victory for the champ. I hope we get to see Ziggler vs Jericho again soon because that was barely anything. Jericho is apparently upset too, and attacks Ziggler and Big E, but all the people against him becomes too much and Jericho falls victim to a Zig Zag and a Big Ending. Ziggler celebrates with his title over Jericho, and clears out so Fandango can do a little boogie and drop a few legs on Y2J.
This Smackdown has just confused me, I don't know who's feuding with who anymore. There's just so many feuds everywhere! Sheamus vs Mark Henry, Sheamus and Orton vs Big Show, The Shield vs Team Hell No, The Shield vs Triple H, The Shield vs 3MB, Ziggler vs Del Rio, Ziggler vs Swagger, Ziggler vs Jericho, I don't know what to believe anymore.
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