Raw recap - 04/08/2013

I've heard from many people that this is the best Raw in a long time and that the crowd was insane so I'm extremely excited to finally sit down and watch it and see how the Wrestlemania repercussions play out. Here we go!

Michael Cole shows us some highlight photos from Wrestlemania. The crowd boos when The Rock's photo comes up, and boos/cheers (even I'm not sure) even stronger when Cena's does. I still would've preferred a Cena heel turn (but we'll get to that in a few minutes). Cena comes out wearing a new/old t-shirt, which I always loved, and says to the camera guy that he looks good in white and gained 14lbs overnight. Oh, John.

I gotta say, I'm enjoying him being WWE Champ more than I thought I was going to. He can't wipe the smile off his face, it's infectious. Oh and he's replaced the Brahma Bulls with hands doing his little gesture thingy on the belt. Michael Cole plays up The Rock's injuries from Wrestlemania but I remain less than impressed that he didn't show up to Raw without telling anyone. Part time champion, part time passion, full time asshole. The crowd is already raucous enough, but I know it'll only get better from here. He teases the fans a bit, talking about the adulation and respect and cheers that come with winning the main event at Wrestlemania. They boo him, so he says "the cheers" again. More boos. And again. He says "we've known each other for ten years now. I may just be going out on a limb tonight, but you guys seem a little bit angry. Maybe a little more than angry." Hehe. He says he knows that they're upset because Wrestlemania is over. The crowd starts chanting "boring". Cena responds that "amazingly enough, every Raw after every Wrestlemania is more than that". He starts talking about dancing, which is confusing at first, but leads to my favorite thing Cena has ever done to a crowd. "What about a heel turn?" he says as he starts twisting his heel on the mat. Maybe we should have been more specific with him. Cena says this is his post Wrestlemania celebration, and of course, that's the magic words for someone to come and interrupt him. And after Cena says he wants to defend his title, Mark Henry comes out. The crowd soon starts chanting "sexual chocolate". They then change to the more conventional "feed me more". Cena tells Henry that he has the breath of a thousand asses, and grants him a match for the championship. Out comes Booker T. Booker doesn't want Cena to make his own matches, and says if Mark Henry beats Cena tonight in a non title match he will get a title match in the future.

After the ad break, Daniel Bryan makes his way to the ring with Kane in tow for a match against Big E Langston, who accidentally smacks AJ right in the chest on his way down the ramp and looks fearful for his life afterwards. Big E dominates the match for the first part, but Bryan comes back briefly until Ziggy and AJ get involved.  Kane tries to get revenge on Ziggler, but Big E throws Daniel Bryan at him. He's pulled down his straps now which of course means shit's about to go down, and he picks up his first win on Raw after a Big Ending. Josh Matthews interviews some irrelevant reality host.

We're informed that Miz will be defending the IC Title against Wade Barrett tonight on Raw... What did I predict would happen?! God I'm good. I love that The Miz is Intercontinental Champion. Miz dominates for the most part, but Barrett comes back and almost pins Miz with the Winds of Change. It's a pretty solid match. JBL comments that the only thing the crowd has been 100% on was booing Cole when he came out, which JBL says he did too. Miz locks in the figure-four, but Barrett gets to the ropes. Barrett hits the Bull Hammer to win back the Intercontinental Championship, wah.

Sheamus busts into Bricke's office looking very unhappy. He probably just misses Randy.  Nope, turns out he's mad that no one believed him about the Big Show, and he wants a match with him tonight. Vickie grants his wish. It's also worth noting that Brickie are wearing matching outfits.

Back from ad break, Orton runs into Booker T backstage. He sucks up to him a bit before asking for a match with Big Show tonight. He feels bad about convincing Sheamus that Big Show was trustworthy, and wants to right that wrong. Booker tells Randy that Sheamus already has a match with Big Show, and Orton sucks up to Booker a bit more and tells him that he can overrule Vickie. 

Now it's time for a 2 on 1 handicap match with Zeb and Swagger vs Albeto Del Rio. I'm excited to see Zeb Colter get the recognition he deserves, he works so hard, he deserves a good match. Swagger dominates pretty much the entire match, opting to not tag in his super talented partner Zeb Colter. Del Rio regains control despite having an injured leg thanks to Swagger's targeted attack, but it doesn't last long, and Swagger locks in the Patriot Lock. Del Rio makes it to the ropes, and within a couple of minutes Swagger is tapping out to the Cross Armbreaker. Del Rio is being tended to by doctors because he's hurt his leg and I kind of tune out until... Holy shit.

Justin Roberts announces "Ladies and gentleman, Dolph Ziggler is cashing in his Money in the Bank contract for the World Heavyweight Championship" and the crowd goes absolute nuts. Ziggler does the Fame Asser, and Del Rio kicks out. This crowd is actually insane, it's incredible. Del Rio actually does a decent job of defending himself, and manages to lock in the Cross Armbreaker. Ziggler wrenches on Del Rio's bad leg to get him to break. I find it very fitting that Dolph's trunks say "my time". Ziggler hits the Zig Zag, and we have a new World Heavyweight Champion. This is amazing.

What a deserving champion. And AJ looks so genuinely happy for him, ugh, what a perfect moment. Congratulations, Dolph Ziggler.

After another ad break, The Undertaker's music hits. Could this Raw get any better?! Taker says his match last night was dedicated to the memory of Paul Bearer. He barely gets another sentence out before The Shield interrupt, making their way through the crowd. They surround the ring, but before they can attack, Team Hell No arrives, running to the ring and The Shield retreat. Please tell me we're gonna see The Goats of Destruction/Brothers of Yes-truction vs The Shield at Extreme Rules!! We're only half way through Raw and this has already been incredible.

Dolph Ziggler (with Big E and AJ) is approached by Josh Matthews backstage who asks what it feels like to be the new WHC. Ziggler responds that he's been too good for too long, and he just needed to wait for the right time. He says this is his Wrestlemania moment. "It's about damn time" he says as he walks off. Darn tootin it is!

Santino Marella, R-Truth and Zack Ryder and set up to take on 3MB, which I'm very excited about because the only people that have been losing more than Zack Ryder lately is 3MB. It's kind of all over the place, but Santino picks up the pinfall after a Cobra on Heath Slater. 

Backstage, Randy and Sheamus are arguing. Noooo :( Sheamus is annoyed that Randy went behind his back when he knew that Sheamus had been granted a match against Big Show. Randy says that's not what it's about and he made a mistake and wants to fix it, and he's man enough to say that he was wrong. Sheamus says he's got this, and walks off. Poor babies, having their first lovers spat.

Sheamus is making his way to the ring, and according to Justin Roberts, his match with Big Show is gonna happen. However, Sheamus gets on the mic and asks the crowd who wants to see him kick Big Show's ass. Solid response. He asks Vickie to come out, but his boyfriend/best friend/life partner Randy Orton comes out instead. Randy says that while Sheamus is out here pleading his case... and then he forgets what he's going to say, and has to quietly ask Sheamus. "Big Show's mine tonight!" Randy proclaims, thanks to a little help from the Irishman. Randy asks the crowd who wants to see him kick Big Show's ass. It's a stronger response than Sheamus got. Cole announces they will poll the WWE Universe to see who will face Big Show. After the commercial break, Randy and Sheamus are still arguing, but Randy Orton has won the poll with 77% of the vote. Vickie and Booker come out, and they announce that right now it'll be Randy vs Sheamus and the winner will face Big Show. Randy and Sheamus do not look happy at the idea of fighting each other (because they're in love, of course). After some angst-ridden stares, Orton vs Sheamus is underway. Randy backs Sheamus into a corner and goes to punch him, but hesitates, and the referee pulls him away. Cole notes that Randy is showing sportsmanship to his partner. The crowd is soon chanting "boring", much to Randy and Sheamus' confusion. Not long after, the crowd has moved on to chanting "Mike Chioda". He doesn't even smile. Next chant is "ole, ole ole ole" It's becoming very hard to concentrate on the match. I think the next chant is "we want tables" but I'm not sure. The next one is "RVD". Randy's not impressed. JBL comments that "I don't think they even think that anybody's in the ring right now". "JBL" is the next chant. JBL smiles and says "Smart fans. These folks are brilliant!" I feel bad for Randy and Sheamus but what's going on outside the ring really is more interesting than their match. Next chant is "Jerry", and JBL adds that they'll never chant for Cole. But he is proved wrong, and Cole practically has an orgasm when the crowd starts chanting "Michael Cole". After the commercial break the crowd are now chanting "ECW". The crowd runs out of chants and resorts to a wave next, which JBL says he wishes Cole would drown in. Sheamus is amused. 

The wave gets him all energised and he takes control for a while. The crowd seems to now be chanting for Orton... Nope, wrong Randy. They're chanting for Randy Savage. Sheamus signals that he's ready for the Brogue Kick and I just wanna put my hand on his shoulder and say, "aw, sweetie, they don't care". Randy dodges the Brogue, and Big Show comes down to the ring, throws Sheamus into the ring post, then turns his attention to Orton. The crowd seems pleased, they're now chanting "Thankyou Big Show". Randy Orton receives a knock out punch for his troubles, and sells it beautifully. Big Show attacks Orton outside the ring for a bit, throwing him into the barricade and then spears him. The crowds next chant is "we are awesome". Big Show meanwhile has thrown Orton onto the other side of the announce table, and is throwing the announcers chairs everywhere. I'm not sure if he's trying to get them in the ring, but he doesn't. Randy looks pissed. King asks Randy if he's okay, and Randy promptly ignores him.  

Fandango comes out next, getting a little bit stuck in his gold fringe thing that hangs down from the ceiling (yes I did laugh). Fandango's facing Kofi Kingston so you can imagine who's going to win here. Because let's be honest, you know that old lady in the Titanic that said "it's been 84 years"? Yeah, she was talking about how long it's been since the last time Kofi Kingston actually won a match. The crowd is now singing Fandango's entrance theme, which I must say is their greatest chant of the night. The match doesn't last long before Jericho comes out and attacks Fandango (Yep, another loss for Kofi). I think Jericho is the first face tonight that the crowd has actually liked. The commentators are getting annoyed because they just got their set up right from Big Show's tirade and now Jericho is throwing their stuff everywhere. Jericho throws Fandango into the steel steps, then goes and gets JBL's hat that he flung somewhere and puts it back on JBL's head. The crowd approves. Jericho puts Fandango back in the ring and locks him in the Walls of Jericho, and Fandango's tapping out even though it doesn't count for anything. Jericho gives Fandango a Codebreaker and strikes a pose for good measure before leaving. Justin Roberts announces that Fandango is the winner by DQ, and Fandango, of course, corrects him. Personally I think this is just an excuse to play Fandango's theme music so the fans can sing and dance along again. 

We're shown a brief video package about Cena's recent adventures with the press, and I notice that the new WWE Championship has no nameplate. Apparently the little logo on the sides is enough. Josh Matthews is backstage again interviewing Paul Heyman, who gets the crowds approval. Heyman says that Lesnar is ready for a fight tonight, but turns the attention to CM Punk. He says CM Punk is going to tell everyone how he feels... next week. That is the one thing missing from Raw tonight. Punk would be loving this crowd as well, he'd probably chant along with them. 

My poor, cut-from-Wrestlemania Rhodes Scholars come out next (New Jersey approves) with the Bella Twins, and apparently we're going to see tonight what we didn't see at Wrestlemania; Cody, Damien, Brie and Nikki vs Brodus, Tensai, Naomi and Cameron. The Bella Twins' dancing really doesn't go with Damien Sandow's music. Michael Cole does note that this match was meant to be at Wrestlemania, but doesn't explain why. Tons of Funk look as ridiculous as ever. Naomi and one of the Bella Twins start the match, but Bella 1 quickly tags out to Cody, who tells Naomi to shoo, and gets a hurricanrana for his troubles. It's (maybe) worth noting that everyone in this match is wearing their Wrestlemania attires, which means Sandow's knee and elbow pads are an especially neon shade of pink and his trunks extra shiny. It all falls apart pretty quickly with everyone entering the fray, and Brodus Clay manages to get the pin on Damien Sandow (making my Wrestlemania predictions 9/10. Michael Cole's getting jiggy over at the announcers desk because he's super excited that the crowd chanted his name and he was trending on Twitter.

Main event time! It kinda looks like Cena's wearing a thong... Anyway, JBL comments that last night Cena cemented himself as one of the greatest of all time. This crowd would beg to differ. They seem to like him a little more, however, when he does a Fandango-esque dance. Looks like the announce table's gonna get some more action, but no, Cena reverses it (and in the process I realize that he is in fact wearing red jocks, not a black thong as originally thought), and gets slammed into the ring post. Mark Henry somehow gets counted out. Kinda disappointing. Henry attacks Cena after the match is over, giving him the World's Strongest Slam. He holds the WWE Championship up and oh god don't tell me Mark Henry vs Cena is going to be an actual thing now. Ryback comes out, and he and Henry exchange punches for a bit. Ryback gets rid of Henry, then stares down Cena. He helps him up, and Cena taunts on the top rope. But surely he realizes something's wrong, because nobody's theme music is playing. Ryback clotheslines Cena out of nowhere (STOP TURNING THE WRONG PEOPLE HEEL) then gives him the Shellshocked. Ryback does the up yours thing to Cena, then holds up the championship much like Henry did. God, now the most boring Wrestlemania feud is going to be a WWE Title feud. Sick. 

Quote of the night: The crowd singing Fandango's theme song (it counts).